I originally intended these to be monthly only letters, however we need a mid month touch base moment. It is time for you and I to have our first little chat about the concept of things I will be doing for your own good. I am sure all parents at some point say "I am doing this for your own good", and I am also pretty sure that there has not been a child in the history of the world who really believed it. But now that I have landed on the other side of the parent/child wall, I am here to tell you that it is, in fact, true. Some of the things that you detest the most are the very things I am doing in my attempts to be a responsible parent. It has to be, because I am sure as heck not doing it
for the fun.
The best example from this is our now ongoing battle against snot. Yes, snot. You caught your first cold this month and I am also certain you have allergies, though they wont test you or do anything about it for the first year or two. I had been dreading this time. I stared at the nose thingy in fear from our first day in the hospital as I was not sure exactly how to use it. I asked the doctor to please show me. He did. I prayed you would learn to blow and be 3 or 4 without ever having a cold or getting sick so I would not have to touch the thing.
We went to the doctor for well baby checks which I am planning to lobby to have the office sterilized before we arrive. I glared at other sick children in the waiting room willing their germs to stay out of our nasal passages and shot dirty looks at old ladies in the grocery store who coughed in your direction. And in the end, you caught a cold from....me. Or if not a cold, then both of our allergies kicked in at the exact same time. We were a sorry snotty pair. However, I think of the 2 of us, I had it better, for the simple reason that I can blow my own nose. You can't. And while that may seem like a small thing...it also meant you couldn't breathe. So I had to do something you hate and get out the nasal aspirator - aka...the booger ball and the saline spray.
This device allows the snot to be sucked out of your nose...assuming you let me get anywhere near your little pea sized nostrils. The nasal spray promised a gentle loosening of the mucous to provide easier removal. It is not gentle no matter what the package says. You very quickly discovered your hatred of this process and you are also very smart, so you figured out if you thrash your head from side to side it would be really hard for me to catch you and your moving target of a nose. And during the day it was hard. At night, it was impossible.
So as you slept, I tossed and turned and listened intently for you to keep breathing as you slept next to me wheezing and snorting and sputtering. At the point I realized you had no unclogged airwaves left, I would get you up and stealthily reach for the booger ball. When you regained enough consciousness and realized what was happening, your would start the flailing and thrashing. I'd give it a couple of good shots trying to strike a balance between getting the stupid thing far enough up your nose to do any good, but not so far as to damage your sinuses and you would scream and cry and cough and act generally pathetic. If things went badly, then I would miss your nose and have to start the whole process over again. If they went well, then I'd have the privilege of emptying the snot out of the booger ball onto a convenient surface such as my nightgown or sheets, since I always managed to not have anything else handy to shoot the snot out onto. I am telling you to illustrate that I am not in this for the glamour. I am in this for your own good. So please cut me some slack....