Monday, February 21, 2011

Dear Mack - On Letting Go

Dearest Maverick,

It is a good thing that this "letting go" thing takes place in a series of very small, sometimes almost imperceptible events or else I would be a complete and total emotional mess, sobbing somewhere uncontrollably in the corner. As it is, this post already has me teary from looking at all the photos of our life...

This "letting go" business all started without my permission when you were whisked off to NICU for a several days at birth.
That was rough. But practically from the "get go", I was forced to "let go" of you, even when I wanted to hold on so tight. And never let go baby.
Leaving you in the NICU and leaving you at the hospital was one of the toughest times for me ever. It was so unnatural to come home without you. But we made it through...

Then I let you sleep in your own room down the hall. That one was a bit easier, but I do know that it took a few nights before I was able to sleep fully without waking every hour to check on you in my bedside video monitor.

I would lie in bed watching you snooze away. I very much enjoyed being able to finally sleep comfortably again. At the same time I missed our snuggles oh so much. Truth be told, there were many mornings I would be awake, just waiting for you to wake up so I could kidnap you back into my bed for a early morning final snooze before our day began.

Next thing you know, I had to go back to work and although I was physically near, it was torturous to hear your sweet laughter wafting into my office, knowing I was missing that precious time with you.

Then you stayed the night without me...again, pretty much without my consent when it was time to give birth to your brother, but I learned with some help and friends that listen, that I would survive it. And you would be none the worse for the unintented separation.

Our world fast forwarded again and soon it was time to let attend to some independent toddler play classes without me and you thrived and loved the fun playtime and adventure of it all. And they all loved you. Really, though, how could they not?

And we are...on the doorstep of...preschool...

And pretty soon you will go off to college...O.M.G.

Thank the good Lord I only have to deal with today. Preschool. I hope your teachers know how lucky they are to spend that time with you and watch you learn. I can hardly stand how much I will miss you each day. How I will miss your inquisitive view of the world. How I will miss your joyous squeal "mama!" when I emerge from my office to greet me and run and fling yourself to me, knowing I will catch you. I cannot imagine how quiet our house will be with you gone. And I know it is only a few hours every day...but it is a short hop to being gone all day...which I refuse to even think about right now.


So, tomorrow morning we will pack your backpack and tie (or velcro) your shoes and you will go off into the big awesome world of preschool and your momma will cry...but hopefully only after I have made it back to the car...because mostly I am jealous of those 3.5 precious hours that someone else will get to spend with your charming, funny, adorable self. And I know it is only 3.5 hours. But it is 3.5 hours, 3 times a week!! And it's 3.5 hours away from you. And I am so fortunate to get to spend most of every single day with you and I marinate in that blessing. I soak up your you-ness and how much I love every detail of your personality and your sweet little voice.


I want the world you are entering to know what I know: That you are special. You are unique. You will do amazing things. Just wait and see.


And what I want you to know is that I love you to the moon and to the deepest ocean and back two times always and forever....and though you may be growing older much faster than my mind can ever comprehend, you will never outgrow my heart.

Love, Mommy
(my first picked flower just for, love, love it.)

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